Sometimes I run up against a really bad, dark mood that I don't much want to get myself out of, and I always wonder what kind of masochistic streak in me keeps me here. At times it is fairly abstract - I don't quite know what makes me so depressed - and at other times it's a concrete sadness, for something relevant and real. I think, though, that there are a number of reasons I (I'll speak for myself - please let me know if you can relate) find these dark moods so appealing.
-First, I feel I deserve it: humanity sucks. I am bad. And even if I haven't done anything very bad recently, take a look at the world - there is obviously something very wrong for little me to have so much and much of it to have so little.
-Second, it feels very much real: humanity sucks. That is a fact that I am very much aware of, that I see every day in myself, in others, in the state of affairs, on the news, in pictures, in my conscience, in the direct contrast of my beautiful God. So I think that getting lost in that gives me a certain sense of stability; that is something I know I am reasonable in. (Of course, [to me] logically rejoice is also reasonable, when considering God's awesome-nicity.) So it's easy to feel sad, it makes me feel connected and not lost inside of myself and substantial, stable and tied down and not as if I'm about to float away in all of my ignorance.
These two points run together very much.
I don't think it's just me. Maybe I have my unique reasons (though I doubt that - I think many though not all can relate), but it seems that there is evidence of this bizarre appeal of tragedy and depression all over the place, at least in the world in which survival is not the only priority a person can afford to worry about. Looking at the States for example - why do we continue to produce movies and music and literature that make us cry? We love to prize on the relatability of tragedy to all humans; heartbreak and divorce and disappointment run as deep in the entertainment sphere (ironic the use of the word 'entertainment') as they do in the real world. More and more people are found sucked into themselves, with self-abuse and depression and drugs rampant. I guess it's also fascination with the abomination. Or perhaps this is partly the origin of fascination with the abomination.
It's interesting to me all the charm we find in tragedy.
Instinct lies in the gut. The most 'savage' (closest to animal?) of our human traits resides in our bodies. I find it interesting that also inextricably tied to our flesh is contrition, festering and eating away at our hearts and our guts - no doubt a God-borne sentiment if ever there was one. This to me is a distinct reminder of God as man.
And also evidence to His continuing use of material, Creation, flesh as tools in bringing us closer to Him. Which is, according to the Anglican perspective, what the Eucharist is. The lack of faith in the strange reality of Christ's presence in the Eucharist seems to me to be based in an underlying perspective that downplays material and Creation and God's involvement in that, that ultimately doubts the man of Christ, the word made flesh, the skin and bone and heart and blood of our Almighty, corpus Christi. God tied himself so irreparably to the flesh and humanity when He made Himself man - why is it utterly unbelievable that He would do that still today in a continued effort to bring us to Him? I don't mean to open discussion as to the validity of the Anglican perspective on the Eucharist (though if you'd like to, I won't stop you), only to offer this as some sort of chipping away at the standard of reasonable doubt that seems to have been built up against it.
It seems to me that the most valid and true injustice in the world is the suffering of children - they are innocent, they are blameless, they have potential. Humans are evil, but adults are more capable of knowing better. And as our bodies age (and our hearts grow colder), it seems we are only fighting fate in battling physical pain or deterioration. If the bodies were meant to grow so old they wouldn't decay so.
The picture is from our 2005 trip to Viet Nam - I miss it very, very much right now. I also miss the clear and poignant perspective I had and had to share, right in front of me, in Viet Nam.
Currently reading:
Harry Potter y la Cámara Secreta
The Count of Monte-Cristo
The Twilight Series
Currently listening to:
new Coldplay cd!
Abracadavers, The Classic Crime
this guy - jwoo. He's awesome!
4 comments:
The timing on this is really interesting, since I just re-found and re-read my old journal from Freshman year, and the majority of it is me going around and around with myself over "I deserve to feel bad, which makes me feel good when I feel bad, which makes me feel bad, which makes me feel good" and so on and so forth. (The inane melodrama of it all gets really ridiculous.)
We've already established that you and I see/handle our emotions differently, and I have to say I don't really relate here. When I feel bad I take serious measures to stop feeling that way and one of the worst feelings to me is to be in emotional pain and have no way of fighting it or changing it; like if it's a response to a choice someone else has made that I can't change. I gave up on the whole allowing-it-because-I-deserve-it after freshman year because of the cycle referred to above - guilt means I'd revel in pain because it starts to assuage the guilt, which means bad becomes good and all that. I don't think it works. When I first started to understand and realize the presence of God there was pain but in a different way; a sweet pain (like in Relient K's Let It All Out or Jeremy Riddle's Sweetly Broken) not like a bad-mood pain.
I understand completely what you mean about feeling grounded in tragedy; I also think there's a less honorable facet to it when it comes to Hollywood and pop culture. A lot of "we're-so-cool" songs or books portray bitterness, damagedness, brokenness, cynicism and pain as glamorous and cool (this has a lot to do with why I quit listening to my old secular music).
I think your connection between the humanity of Christ and the physicality of emotion is fantastic.
I would like clarification on your comment about the injustice of suffering children, and how it relates to the inevitability of old age. Is there a cause and effect? Do adults age because children suffer?
Also, isn't the ultimate problem the fact that people forget the purpose of human existence is to glorify God and do what we each are called to do to restore His just and perfect Kingdom? Everything else is a distraction. Until 'every knee shall bow' we each should keep our nose to the grindstone, even though we probably won't see the results until we join the church Eternal. Depression comes from expecting to personally have an impact and being disappointed. It's arrogance, ultimately, to have that expectation, isn't it?
I don't want to figure out how to find a blogger identity, so this is your MOM speaking... Interesting post, although I think awesome-nicity may be over the top, and yes, you may be in good company, but you are still wallowing, I think. So get a grip. Love you...
just got back from church camp (it was awesome, i'm sure you'll hear from amanda about it).
the sort-of host of it, a guy named Jay who's with Hume Lake, was talking about the beauty of his 7-week-old daughter, and how unbelievable it is that a perfect and blameless infant can one day choose to sin.
the inevitability of sin seems tied to the decay of human bodies, because in the beginning, humans were intended to live forever. Once we sinned, our bodies became temporary houses for our eternal souls. Men used to live for hundreds of years, but obviously, we don't anymore. I'm not sure what to conclude from this, though. Are humans dying earlier over time as a direct result of increasing world sin (which sounds semi-ridiculous)? Do infants have the potential to not sin? Of course not, sin is now a part of human nature.
That entire paragraph only confuses me more, so i'm going to ask someone to help me clarify my thoughts.
On another subject, reading Harry Potter y la piedra filosofal is amazingly fun. Imagining all of it in Spanish is hilarious and my limited Spanish fluency makes reading it an adventure.
Sal - Do we see our emotions that differently? From tok talks and notes I was under the impression that we were pretty close. I can't remember what we disagreed on.
The pain I described above is not the "response to a choice someone else had made that I can't change" pain - I think one of the selling points is that it's something I have control over.
I need to not write blogs when I'm in these moods. The pop-culture references and such were kind of just an attempt to make my feelings relevant, and I agree with you. We've talked about the sweet pain vs. bad-mood pain and I'm with you on the sweet pain being way better.
Mother dearest - no connection between inevitability of old age and suffering of children. I don't think God works that way. Just a point of contrast, serving as reason for my child-geared compassion.
"Depression comes from expecting to personally have an impact and being disappointed. It's arrogance, ultimately, to have that expectation, isn't it?"
haha, touche.
Roi - I wouldn't say infants have the potential to not sin, because inevitably they do, but they do have the capability to not sin because God gave us bodies and minds that can - as later on if we accept Him we can be made white as snow - be pure. I think it's a flawed perception of time to look at a baby and say, "How sad, you look so innocent but really you're evil because you'll sin one day." Does any of that make sense? I can't remember any more how I was going to explain that.
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