Nonchalance, humans suck at loving, this life in time, and perseverence.

Somewhat fragmented post today:

Why, please, is it a good thing to not care what anyone else thinks of you? Isn't that selfish? Isn't that just a clever excuse to get away with anything, to rationalize anything you might have done that you would have felt sorry for? If it's not, "Everyone else does it, so it's okay," it's "The only reason somebody else doesn't do it is that they're not unique and assertive like I am."
Not always the case, of course.
I just think that the only vacuum it's good to live in is the one in which God rules completely.



Humanity sucks at loving, I'm finding. I thought that I had eliminated all expectations of man but I thought wrong, because my standards have recently been lowered a step further. It is very evident to me lately that we are ultimately selfish. As much as we care about someone, as much as we love him or her, it is fundamentally in our nature to choose ourselves when we should choose others, when it is love to choose another. It comes that if there is a decision between doing something for someone else's good and doing something that might make us satisfied or feel good or benefit us, it takes a lot not to choose the latter. It either takes a lot of God making us better or a lot of the kind of love that is in action completely selfless but is only maintained that way because it is entirely selfishly rooted. That is, the kind of love in which it's not really much of a sacrifice at all (because it doesn't feel that way) to us to sacrifice ourselves. (Am I making any sense?)
It seems that we are not loving someone at all each time we don't put him/her first. In that moment we don't love.*

I knew that human love was never perfect, but I was under the impression, for some reason, that it could be pretty much unconditional. I was so wrong though! It takes so much deliberation for it to be even relatively unconditional. It is not easy to love someone all the time, no matter what. (It is impossible to love perfectly - that is, to never screw up, to never hurt [i.e. cause any detriment to] a person - but this is beside the point, I suppose.) We flare up, and lose control, and for a moment don't love. We are apathetic, or lazy, and forget to always be loving. We are stubborn, hold grudges, and are unable to eliminate baggage enough to just allow love to flow. We are judgmental, or not understanding, and it warps our perspectives.
We don't only fail in love under ignorance, we also fail under precise clarity.

I am very bothered recently by the nature in me that stops me from loving when I am perfectly aware that I should, the way in which I could, and what is stopping me from doing so.

I suppose I am just discouraged, and sad. Humanity rears its ugly head always, it seems, when I least expect it.
The best we can do, I think, and what we are obligated to do, is to love deliberately and furiously. A common theme for me of late, I suppose.

*The truth in this depends on, of course, what you consider 'love' to be, and instances in which 'love' is not.



It seems lately that endings are never good. Even if that which is ending was not good, the best we can hope for is bittersweet, for there's always the longing for it to have been better.



It used to trouble me that this life was so short and minimal compared to what eternal life should be. How could that be? Why would God have even given it to us? What's the purpose? But I'm developing a new perspective. I am so limited by my perception of time and am trying very much to overcome that. Suddenly I'm seeing this life as only a moment of truth, of sorts. A decision. A climax. A struggle. It's organized in the confines of time perhaps to indicate its impermanence and temporality (dictionary.com says the word is "temporalness" but I prefer this) in comparison to eternal life. I think, maybe, I am seeing it as a momentary break in eternal life. It is the means of reaching eternal life (and I'll point out that by eternal life I mean the afterlife inclusively) or, rather, the road you walk before you get there.
This is really, really hard for me to express. Do I make any sense?



I know I'm not done falling; I know I'll never be. My only goal - and still a very lofty one - is to always get up knowing a little something more.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."
Winston Churchill

"Successful men keep moving."
Conrad Hilton

"For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again."
Proberbs 24:16



Current music:
The Classic Crime's new Seattle acoustic EP, except minus all the songs that aren't on their purevolume, because Circuit City and Wal-Mart and work hate me and don't have it in stock. :(
Still Fighting It and Fred Jones, part 2, by Ben Folds

Currently reading:
nothing. :( Every time I pick up a book I feel guilty because I should be doing homework.